My kids

I'm finding it hard to think of my children now. I feel guilty for coming here most of the time when I think of them. I try not to think of what they must be feeling with their daddy gone. They know I'm coming back but what will this really do to them? When I left, I kept telling myself, "Kids are resilient, they won't even know I've been gone when I get home". I'm starting to wonder now. It may just be guilt but I just can't help feeling that they think I've left them. My daughter understands because she's older. She is helping her mother and feeding the new dog they got. She has even raised her grades in two classes since I've been here. She's a good girl and this will help us grow. I dearly miss riding the motorcycle with her. It was our thing and it was something she loved. When I get home, she knows I'll buy a new one and we'll ride but when I think of not riding now, it hurts. I hope she doesn't hold this against me.

My son on the other hand, is very young. He knows his daddy is in the 'far away place'. He doesn't know why. He wonders constantly where I am and he wonders if I'm coming home soon. It kills me inside thinking that he thinks his daddy is gone. He is young enough however to not even remember my being gone but, what are the long term effects? Sometimes it feels like some sick experiement or a game show. "Let's see how long he can last without his family folks and in a foriegn country no less. This should be exciting!!" I can here Bob Hueghbanks voice when I think of it. My son will love me more when I get home. If I don't tell myself that, I won't make it. When I think of my own father being away on midnight shift, I remember feeling like my mother and myself were alone. I would even be scared sometimes. I don't ever want my children to feel that way. I want them to be proud of me and what I'm doing here to help bring change to this country.

There is one good thing I got from this trip when it pertains to my kids. My wife and I laughed before I left when we talked about my daughters first date. I told her that as soon as I got here, I was going to have my picture taken with my gear and weapons on and on my daughters first date, we would put that picture on the coffee table and the kid would say "Who is that?" and my daughter would say. "Oh, that's my dad when he was in Iraq." and he'd be like "OH.....okay". It plants that seed. Even if I'm not fighting here, the seed would be planted. I sent the picture home and my wife is going to hang it up now. I hope I don't get a chance to use my weapons but if it means the difference between seeing my two beautiful children again........well, let's just say, there wouldn't be much in the way of deciding.